


You Always Knew

by AllenbysEyes



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Adulting, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, F/F, Female Friendship, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Pearl/Rose Quartz (Steven Universe), Slice of Life, Slow Burn, new experiences, ships tba, thirtysomethings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2019-10-26 03:21:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17738033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllenbysEyes/pseuds/AllenbysEyes
Summary: Human AU. Pearl just turned thirty years old. Despite a decent job and a nice apartment, she's still single, still haunted by a past relationship and still wondering if it's too late for her to break out of her shell. Reconnecting with old friends and trying to make new ones, Pearl tries charting a new course for her life.





	1. Saturday Night

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to another Allenby human AU fic! I wanted a break from the heaviness of Black Book of Pearl White, and this idea's been percolating in my head for awhile. I thought about revisiting My Brilliant Friends, but I felt it better to start from scratch with a new story...though I may incorporate story/character elements from that story arc that I never got to use. Anyway, hopefully you'll enjoy this one. And thanks to BluePearlLamentation and DreamlandB for their help fleshing out this story!

It was Pearl's first Saturday night as a thirty year old, and she was ready to celebrate.

She'd dropped by the local store and bought some of her favorite salad greens, a decent, low-fat balsamic dressing and a few semi-healthy snacks. Gotten her strawberry blonde hair trimmed into her usual short, neat style with a slight wave at ear-level. Returned some books to the library and picked up two more, along with a DVD of _Bringing Up Baby_. Ate a quick lunch at a local diner, scarfing down a not-bad grilled chicken sandwich and trying not to envy the other diners munching on burgers and fries. 

She spent the whole afternoon organizing her apartment. Dusting shelves, washing dishes, running the cleaner, scrubbing kitchen tiles, reorganizing books and DVDs. She decided against doing laundry, too - that was her _Sunday_ chore. 

She didn't exactly mind, though. She liked having the neatest apartment in all of Beach City. It hadn't been easy - during her first week there, she'd found a mouse in a kitchen cupboard and almost fainted. Only the centipede crawling inches from her face scared her awake. But some hard work, scrubbing and a little pesticide took care of that! Now even the bathroom was clean enough to eat off of, at least if Pearl hadn't used the strongest, most toxic chemicals known to man.

By the time the sun started to set, she'd managed to clean every inch of her apartment. Every book in its place, every dish on the appropriate spot on the rack, every speck of dust on a towel or in the garbage pail. 

Just perfect. Very Pearl. 

She took a moment, as she always did, to look over everything and smile, beaming at her own handiwork. 

The sun started to set, and it was almost time for fun.

She laid out the greens and the dressing on the counter. Put a bottle of Diet Coke cooling in a bucket of ice, like champagne, on the counter.

Then took a warm bath to celebrate. It felt especially good with her fresh haircut; the warmth comforting, since it was forty degrees outside and she still hadn't warmed up.

She sat in the tub, relaxing in the way that was only possible on a Saturday evening. Thinking, reflecting, watching the sun slowly set through the window. 

When her skin started to prune, she got up and made her dinner. 

Her apartment was a small studio - just one large room, a tiny kitchen and a bathroom. Not enough for a roommate (if she wanted one, for some reason) or to have people over. But it was _hers._ Rented by her, paid with her own, hard-earned money. Free from parents and family and other, annoying distractions. Her own space to be Pearl. 

She plunked into bed in a dark blue sweatshirt. Put her movie in the player. She balanced the salad bowl carefully on a small tray, having mixed in just enough dressing to taste. Slowly poured the soda into a drinking glass, watching it bubble and fizz as it interacted with the ice. 

It brought a flash of recognition, for just a moment. Memories of loud music and bright lights. The dizziness of alcohol swirling in her head.

The taste of Rose.

But then she reminded herself that was years ago, and this was just soda.

Pearl didn't drink any more. She was very careful about that. 

Then the Warner Bros. logo came up, and she recognized Cary Grant in his laughable nerd glasses. And her mind zoned in on the movie, leaving that moment of discomfort.

This was Pearl's ideal Saturday night. An old movie, a salad and a warm bed.  

She knew her coworkers thought she was a square, that she was too young to hole up in her apartment and do nerd things like an old lady.

But she didn't care. She'd done the club scene when she was younger, and it didn't go well for her. Most of her friends had either drifted away or stopped being her friend. And at her age, she found it horribly awkward to meet new people, anyway. 

Besides...what was one supposed to _do_ at thirty, anyway? She wasn't married, after all. And she was at an age where, even if she wanted to go out and meet people at a bar...well, most people in those places skewed younger, didn't they? Not that she couldn't get a pick-up or something if she really wanted, but...Pearl wasn't that kind of person. Or _tried_ not to be. (In any case, these days it was mostly porn when she felt that urge.) 

And truth be told, she didn't mind living by herself, spending Saturday nights alone. It made things uncomplicated, and simple, and easy to plan. No surprise. 

She just...didn't always like **being** alone.  

* * *

The movie ended around 9:30. Pearl didn't feel in the mood for going to bed just yet. She grabbed one of her library books, a Madeline Miller novel one of her English major friends had recommended on Facebook, and dove into it. It wasn't really her kind of book - she found the prose a bit too sparse for her liking, and felt that if she wanted to reread _The Illiad_ , she'd reread _The Illiad_. But she managed a few chapters before her mind drifted off. 

What was Rose doing tonight? Pearl couldn't help wondering. She stared out the dark window, watching cars go by in the darkness, wondering if her ex was still somewhere in the city. 

Probably not. And, she reminded herself, that was years ago.

Then why did it still hurt? Why did she think about it?

She got up, opened up her dresser drawer and pulled out an old picture. It showed Pearl, her hair longer and her face fresh with youth and excitement, with Rose at a party. Rose wearing a pretty white dress with her thick red hair cascading down her shoulders, laughing at a joke from whoever took that picture (she couldn't remember at this point - Rose had so many friends, you couldn't keep track of them).

She'd deleted or destroyed every picture of Rose she kept. Except that one. One reminder of something she could never forget. 

And her old diary, she supposed, though that was locked somewhere at her parents' house where no one could get it. 

She sighed, staring at the picture for a long minute. 

It had been five years. Five years since Rose left her. Five years since she'd found out that the woman who she'd given up everything for, whom she'd moved to Beach City for the sake of, whom she'd devoted the prime of her life to...was married. 

To a man.

And had a son.

She couldn't believe it. She hadn't been angry at Rose, so much as...just confused. Baffled.

She couldn't understand it. Tried rattling through memories of their time together, to see if there were clues or hints that she missed. A word here, a glance there. But nothing came. 

"I have a bit of a history," something Rose told Pearl with a smirk on their first date. And Pearl just nodded along, finding it part of the allure.

At the time, she was flattered that a woman...not only one so beautiful, but one who was over a decade her senior, would take an interest in her, a girl fresh out of college, with a Bachelor of Arts that was next to useless and only a vague idea of what she wanted to do in life. It was a total mismatch.

Time made that clear to Pearl. At the moment, she'd been too swept up to notice. Too happy to listen to her friends and family questioning whether it was a good idea, who felt there was something off about Rose.

She should have listened. 

But she didn't. 

Until Rose took Pearl aside after one of their dates, and told her about Greg. And Steven. And that she wanted to get together with them.

"So...what...I don't understand?" Pearl had sputtered, trying not to make a scene in public. "Am I just the other woman, here? Your mistress? Your playmate? Something to **fuck?"**

Pearl remembered saying that, because her curses were rarely worse than "damn" or "hell." 

"Pearl, it's not like that," Rose tried assuring her in her most loving, compassionate voice.

"None of this meant **anything** to you!" Pearl had accused. "Just an affair! A fling! Some fun on the side!" 

"That's not fair, Pearl..." Rose began. But the rest of her protest smudged in Pearl's memory, the words faded by time and trauma.

All she remembered after that was the crying. And the feeling of rage within her.

Not so much at Rose, really, but at herself. For being such an idiot. 

That still hurt. No matter what excuses she made for herself - she was young, she was flattered, she was sometimes drunk, Rose was _incredible_ \- it didn't make her feel better.

Time scabbed over the wound, gave Pearl some space to grow and find her own identity. And most of the time, she didn't think about Rose, even if the scars remained.

Yet here she was, looking at that picture again. And all the old thoughts were still there.

She'd been having such a pleasant night, too.

 _Damn Madeline Miller,_ Pearl thought. _She should have been a better writer._

The thought made Pearl laugh, the way only a nerd can laugh at an inside joke only they understand. Wishing there were someone else around to share her cleverness with, that wasn't just a stranger on the internet.

As if in answer, her cellphone rang. 

* * *

 

Pearl snapped out of her reverie and picked up the phone. She didn't recognize the number, wonder if she was getting butt dialed or spammed. Who on Earth would call _her_ on a Saturday night? 

"Hello?"

"Pearl?" A raspy voice came over the line. Pearl struggled to recognize it.

"Am-Amethyst?" She thought that was her name.

One of Rose's friends from back in the day. Someone she hadn't talked to in _years_. 

"What do you want?" Amethyst asked. 

"Umm...you dialed me."

"I did? Man, I'm sorry. I didn't realize. Must have butt dialed you or something." 

"I figured. I mean, it is me..." 

"Hey, I know plenty of people who would have called you on a Saturday night a few years back."

Pearl chuckled politely at the innuendo.

"Well, I'm honestly a little amazed you still have my number after all these years..." Pearl certainly hadn't kept Amethyst's number. Or any of her other friends from back then. 

"Ehh, I just transferred the chip to my new phones. Guess I never changed it out. I'm a little surprised you're still using the same number."

"Well, I have the same phone."

"...Seriously? You haven't changed your phone in five years?"

"Why should I? It works, it's cheap, it's nice."

"Wasn't it a flip phone? And that was old five years ago, it's practically a dinosaur now."

"Well, this dinosaur still works, it's convenient, and I don't need any of the other special features that would bring me to buy something more advanced."

"Dude, dinosaurs evolved into birds. Flip phones evolved into iPhones. It's just nature."

"...Phones aren't nature, Amethyst."

"It's called a metaphor. God, I would have thought a brain like you could understand that."

"Hmm. Fair enough." Beat. Pearl was tempted to hang up without saying more, but she decided to make a little bit of small talk. What the hell?

"How have you been?"

"How have I been? Pretty shitty, if I'm honest. I've been bouncing around between jobs and...well, my life's been a mess. Now that I'm pushing thirty it's not as fun as it used to be."

"I know the feeling."

"Yeah. I mean, I still like to have fun...I'm gonna be me until the day I die, I hope, unless I''m replaced with like an alien pod person or something. But, you know, fun's not so easy after a certain point."

"I understand."

Pearl blurted out the next question without thinking. 

"So...are you still in touch with Rose?"

A pause on the other line. Pearl blushed, horrified at what she'd just asked. 

"I mean...not that I...I'm just curious if..."

"Me and Rose aren't really...friends any more," Amethyst said. And her voice sounded sad. 

"I'm sorry," Pearl said, unable to think of anything else. 

"Yeah. You know how sometimes, somebody you like a lot turns out to be really shitty, deep down?"

"Amethyst, you're talking to someone who dated Rose."

"...Shit. I'm sorry, P."

"That's all right. It was five years ago."

"Yeah. I mean, I feel like this is a conversation that we really shouldn't have over the phone."

Pearl sensed an opening, and perked up.

"Yeah? Are you still in Beach City?"

"Yeah. I live at an apartment complex near the movie theater. It's small, I have a couple roommates, but it's all right. Good place to look for work, anyway. What there is of it." 

 

 

"Hmm. Well, maybe you would...want to catch up some time."

Pearl choked out the words, trembling with nerves and embarrassment as she pondered her own question. 

 _Jesus Christ,_ she scolded herself in her head. You've just gone through another one of these fucking things about moving on and...you want to get back together with Amethyst?

_You want to hang out with one of Rose's closest friends?_

_Do you really want to...?_

_I mean, it's not like she'd want to, anyway. She called you by accident._

"I'd love to, Pearl."

"Really?" Pearl couldn't believe the answer. "Umm...great! When can you meet?"

"Any time, P! That would be totally cool. Just call me or text me. Or, heck, I still have a Facebook account for now, though with all the data-selling shit I dunno how long that'll last. But yeah, we'll work something out. I'm free most days in the evening anymore, so just let me know."

"All right. I'll take a look at my schedule and see where I can pencil you in."

Amethyst snickered. "Well, I'm honored that you can squeeze me into your very busy schedule."  

"I'll have you know that I do keep a _very_ busy schedule," Pearl huffed. What a tremendous lie!

"Oh, I'm sure," Amethyst teased. "I'll bet you're out right now in the club with all your friends gettin' smashed..."

"Actually, I'm not," Pearl admitted. "Not for a long time." 

"Ahh." Beat. "Well, I figured there was a reason you stopped hanging out with us."

"Amethyst, there was...the only reason I stopped hanging out with you was...Rose."

A long, heavy pause. 

"I always thought you were...cool," Pearl continued, afraid of the silence. "I mean, you were always fun and...kind of wild...but very nice. Very understanding and...It wasn't fair to just cut you guys out of my life like that. We should have found a way to...But that's on me. I just wanted to move on so much, you know..."

She stopped herself, feeling sad. Worrying, again, whether she'd said something to scare off her old pal.

_Goddammit, Pearl, you are so awkward even over the phone!_

She was surprised to hear Amethyst snickering into the phone again.

"Aww, P! All these years later and you still care about me!" 

Pearl didn't know what to say to that. 

"It's cool, P. No worries. Heck, that friend group kinda...went its own ways after awhile. I'm still friends with Garnet, if you remember her. And we see Skinny and Carmelian every once in awhile. But the rest...I mean, we're not like, super close anymore."

"That's part of being an adult," Pearl reflected gravely. 

"I guess. I'm still not good at it."

"I don't know that anyone is," Pearl said. Another knowing pause.

"Well, I do have plans tonight, Pearl. But listen, it was really great accidentally talking to you."

"The same!"

"I always...It's great talking to you. Real talk. Because I always thought you were one of Rose's coolest friends."

Pearl blushed again. Had she heard Amethyst right? 

"Nobody who's ever known me well would consider me cool."

"Well, as cool as someone who likes to watch old black-and-white movies is, anyway."

"You say old, I say classic."

"You say classic, I say zzzzzzz." 

"Anyway...It's been nice talking to you," Pearl said, not taking the bait. "I'll get back to you once I know my schedule." 

"Right, right, your packed, busy schedule. I'm sure you'll need a break from alphabetizing your books sometime."

"I'll have you know that I sort them by subject and..."

"Zzzz...you can tell me all about it later, Pearl? Okay? But hey, enjoy your Saturday night and we'll talk soon."

"All right. Good night, Amethyst."

"Night."

And the call ended. 

* * *

 

The whole thing was so strange, Pearl barely understood it. It was like an answer to an unspoken prayer. 

Only...Amethyst. That wasn't remotely what she expected. 

Well, she'd liked Amethyst back in the day. She didn't make that part up. But she remembered how Amethyst was always the troublemaker of the group. 

Calling her wild didn't really cut it. She drank too much, did the wrong drugs, wound up in the ER twice that Pearl knew of. Hooked up with the wrong people, got mixed in with the wrong crowds, once had a drunken knife fight with some jerk outside a bar like she was auditioning for _West Side Story_ or some shit.

It would have been comical, this squat little Korean girl threatening to disembowel a dude at least a foot taller than her, except it wasn't, and Rose knew it enough to drag Amethyst to safety while Garnet tried to keep the guy from murdering her. It was as scared as Pearl had ever been in her life, watching the scene go from a joke to a nightmare, seeing Amethyst's bravado slowly sink as she vomited in the car and she and Rose gave her water trying to calm her down... 

She was the sort of person Pearl would never befriend on her own accord. Probably would never have _met_. Because she was very much the shy, quiet type in school, including college. And she was usually repulsed, or irritated by people like Amethyst. 

And part of her really hoped that Amethyst...wasn't like that any more.

Because thirty year old Pearl was not twenty-four year old Pearl. And she didn't want to be, either. That chapter of her life needed to be over. The new chapter had to be better...in a different way. 

But, she tried to reassure herself, Amethyst was a good person. A little messed up sometimes, but a good person.

 _Everyone changes,_ _Pearl_ , she told herself. _Even you._

She allowed herself a bitter laugh as she sank back into her bed. Stretched out and just stared at the ceiling for several minutes. 

She wondered if thirty year old Pearl could have a better Saturday night than this. 

She wondered if she'd soon find out. 

 


	2. Work, Work

Pearl hated Tuesdays.

Mondays, surprisingly enough, she could tolerate. Usually because she stored enough energy and afterglow of relaxation from the weekend that the first day back was a breeze. Sure, she was tired, and sometimes she had to run errands after work anyway, but the job itself wasn't too bad.

Tuesdays were a different story. Because the last weekend was now far in the rear view mirror, the next one too far away to anticipate. The energy was gone, the relaxation another forgotten sensation.

And besides, there was work.

Today was a day much like any other. She sat punching numbers into the medical bills that came to her computer file. Most days, it was simple enough: she added figures and codes to bills and filed reports with state agencies. 

She glanced out the window at the far end of the office. It was a sunny day (but cold, Pearl lamented) and she could just make out the blue-green smudge of ocean underneath the horizon. An eternal, somewhat mocking reminder that there was more too life than this. 

She'd worked at this company for two years. It was a small insurance agency based out of Beach City, which mostly handled worker's comp and casualty claims. Its offices occupied two floors of Dewey Tower, the largest building in Beach City and the closest it had to a skyscraper. 

She didn't dislike the work. Though their office was open, her desk sat at the back of the floor, where she could spend the day mostly by herself. At worst, it was dull and repetitive. But it wasn't particularly stressful or difficult, and Pearl didn't mind punching a clock every day. Her job gave her insurance, stable hours and, best of all, no weekends or customer interactions - something which had driven her insane at previous jobs.

But still, it was work. And it sure wasn't Pearl had imagined for her life, at this point. Mostly, she tried not to think about it.

"Pearl...did you file the bills from TriplePlan yet?"

Pearl turned and saw Fluoride standing over her. She was a pleasant old woman who'd been with the company for decades; she'd trained Pearl, and worked as her de facto supervisor. Nice, but a bit demanding sometimes. 

"I haven't gotten to them yet," Pearl gestured. "I'm still doing the comp claims from January."

"Oh, okay. I don't mean to rush you..." she said, speaking in a slight, quavering stammer that belied her physical energy. "Just that the TriplePlan people are dumping all their claims on us this month."

"Holy **shit**!" a loud, nasal voice rasped from the other side of the room.

"As you can see," Fluoride remarked dryly, "Amber's getting hit hard around this time of month."

The tall blonde in the corner wrinkled her face. "You're damn right, Fluoride. I can't stand this goddamn...I'm sorry for the language. But really, these PremiumHelp people added the wrong code to all these bills..." 

Amber looked enough like Pearl to be her sister; both were tall, thin and had similar facial expressions, though Amber had long, blonde hair that she usually wore up. Amber didn't seem amused by the comparison, though she didn't seem amused by much anything. She struck Pearl as utterly humorless, always grousing about something or other, usually work, sometimes the general misery of her life. 

Pearl liked Fluoride and tolerated Amber. But she didn't really consider her coworkers friends, even the younger ones, closer to her age. Except maybe Bismuth, who was on vacation, and Rhodonite, the nervous tech support girl downstairs, whom Pearl only saw once in awhile. And even them, she never saw outside of work. 

 _Maybe if you stopped complaining all the time,_ Pearl thought as Amber went on another rant, you would get some work done. 

But that thought obviously hadn't occurred to Amber, who kept complaining about what _idiots_ their clients were, and how she had to do **all** the work around here. Fluoride did a better job at pretending to pay attention, nodding her head politely and occasionally. Pearl's eyes glazed over after a minute and drifted back to her computer screen.

She punched in the codes on one or two more bills as Amber's rantings continued. Then caught notice of the clock - 11:34. Not quite lunchtime yet.

She sighed, until suddenly a thought popped into her head. She waited until Fluoride had drifted a little closer to Amber, then logged into Facebook.

She typed Amethyst Barnes into her search engine. It only took a minute to find her - her profile pic looked a few years old, showing her in a club with her hair (dyed purple then - she'd been blonde when Pearl knew her) messy and falling over her face, two unidentified girlfriends flanking her. A classic drunken club selfie. 

Pearl rolled her eyes, hesitating for just a minute before taking action. She didn't know what to make of someone who, at their age, would still consider that an appropriate profile pic. Then she clicked the tab for friend request. 

She didn't wait for an answer. Instead, she typed a quick message:

_Hi Amethyst,_

_It's Pearl. Been thinking about our conversation the other night - I'd still like to catch up, if that's all right with you. Please let me know what date and what plan works best for you._

_Regards,_

_Pearl_

She sent it, just as Fluorite turned her heads towards Pearl. Pearl instinctively panicked, closing the web browser.

"See, we're distracting poor Pearl from her work," Fluoride said. 

"That wasn't my intention," Amber huffed. "I'm just sick of these people sending us bills with the wrong codes or the incorrect amounts for the incorrect days. Why, just the other day..."

Pearl groaned out loud and buried her face in her hands. She didn't know how much more of Amber's Bitching Hour she could tolerate.

* * *

Pearl tried going to the gym when she could. She'd made a resolution to start going there weekly, for New Years, but only kept that for two weeks. Not her fault, entirely; the weather had been lousy and made leaving her apartment a nightmare. So, really, she'd gone twice since January 1st, and it was now the middle of February.

Tonight she arrived just after work, wearing a light blue top with a matching towel. She saw, to her chagrin, that all the machines were taken, and considered going home to relax. That might be best after a day like today.

But no, she decided. She needed to work out her frustrations somehow. And what better way than exercise?

Finally, after a few minutes a middle-aged man hopped off a bike, panting and dripping with sweat. He looked about ready to collapse right there. Pearl waited for him to grab his things - he didn't wipe off the seat.

Pearl made a face, recoiling from the sight. She sure didn't want to wipe that mess off herself. 

"You can use my towel," the person next to her said. 

Pearl looked over and saw a woman roughly her age, her hair jet-black in a short bob, her face olive-tan and her eyes sparkling blue.

She was startlingly beautiful. Pearl didn't bother looking at the white towel in her hand.

"Are you sure?" Pearl said.   

"No problem," the other woman replied. "I always carry a back-up in case some slob doesn't clean up after himself." She gestured to a yellow towel beside her, handing Pearl hers. 

"Must happen a lot," Pearl remarked, taking the towel. 

"Oh, there's always some guy - I mean, let's face facts, it's always a guy - who just sits there and sweats like a pig and leaves us to deal with it. Maybe they're lazy. Maybe they think his magical butt puddle is his gift to womankind."

"Well, thanks," Pearl said, quickly wiping the seat and throwing the towel down next to the bike.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Pearl began to apologize, bending down to pick it up. Though the thought of all those sweat germs made her queasy. But the woman waved her off and began riding again.

Pearl just nodded and began riding herself. Occasionally sneaking an ill-concealed glance at her exercise partner's well-shaped legs. 

Fortunately, the woman seemed completely in the zone, and didn't notice. Or care, at least.

* * *

After about forty minutes, Pearl had completely exhausted herself. She took several moments to catch her breath, then cleaned off the seat and herself.

She heard the woman next to her stop riding. Pearl looked over to see her approach. She was coated in a glistening layer of sweat, her dark blue outfit soaked around the arms, but otherwise she seemed remarkably unfazed by her ride. 

"First time?" she asked, gulping down a drink of water.

"Not quite. I'm just not as regular as I should be."

"Hmm." The woman offered Pearl her water; Pearl shook her head. 

"It takes a lot of practice," the woman said. "Like, I try and ride the bike two or three times a week. On top of my other exercises."

"You sound like a pro."

"Nah, not really. I work in, let's say a high-stress job and it's a good way to work out my frustration."

"Oh? What do you do?"

"I'm in politics."

That surprised Pearl. "Huh? You, uh, run for office."

"Not yet," the woman said. "Maybe someday. No, I mostly do behind-the-scenes stuff for local candidates. Canvassing, arranging campaign events, that sort of thing. I'm doing Billy Fryman's run for city council right now, to fill in Lee Lyman's seat."

"Fryman, huh? I didn't know he was running." Pearl knew the gruff, stocky man who owned Beach Citywalk Fries on the boardwalk well. 

"So you see how good a job I'm doing," the woman joked. "I mean, he's basically running unopposed. There's a kook who lives outside of town who tries to run for something every year, but...even a shit town like this won't elect him to office. I mean, to give you an idea..."

"You mean Halverson?"

"That's the one. Ran for Mayor and got arrested for drug possession two days before the election. And he still got 24 percent of the vote!"

"Guess some people really don't like Nanefua." 

"I guess. Or they just like to be contrarian. There's an old phrase from when Obama ran for the Senate in Illinois. His opponent was Alan Keyes, a Republican lunatic who didn't even live in Illinois, and he somehow managed 27 percent of the vote. There was a political scientist who studied the race but couldn't figure out why, and termed it the crazification factor. There will always be a small slice of people you'll never convince no matter what."

"Doesn't take a political scientist to get that," Pearl said. "It's just human nature."

"Yeah, I guess. But it makes me seem smart."

The two women stared at each other, suddenly enjoying each other's company. Until Pearl was struck by something.

"Have we met before?" she asked, studying the other woman's face.

The woman tilted her head. "Maybe? You do look sort of familiar."

"I'm Pearl, Pearl Avalon."

"Pearl..." The other woman thought for a moment. "Yeah! You know Amethyst Barnes, right?"

"Huh. Yeah, I used to..." Pearl said, not sharing about their reconnection. "We knew each other _years_ ago."

"Ah, okay. I used to date her roommate a million years ago. We probably met around that time."

Pearl tried to jog her memory. She knew her now, but didn't know her name. And that was embarrassment.

"You're, um...Forgive me. You had a very unique name. It was...some kind of rock." 

The woman snorted and chuckled. "I've never heard it put... _quite_ that way! But you're not wrong." 

"Sorry, sorry. Gimme a minute and I'll figure it out," Pearl said.

"Umm...Lapis?" 

The woman nodded. "Bingo!" 

"Lapis Lazuli! Oh, yes! I'm sorry. You'd have thought I could remember something like that."

"Well, I had blue hair back then," Lapis said. "I kinda grew out of that."

"Why? I remember it suiting you very well."

"Well, when me and Peridot broke up, it was kind of...I needed a change. And my hair was one of the easiest things to change."

"Gotcha." 

"I take you're not seeing Rose anymore."

"Rose?" Pearl said, startled that Lapis remembered her. And at the woman's matter-of-fact tone. 

"Umm, no. Not for...awhile now."

"Yeah. I know her kid, slightly. He and Greg, I think that's the dad's name, are still living in Beach City."

"Oh." Pearl didn't necessarily want, or need to know that information. 

"Yeah, Greg worked on my last campaign. Wrote a jingle or two for us. He's a nice guy, but..."

She stopped herself.

"Anyway...it's nice to see you again."

"Same," Pearl said, still feeling a little flustered by the whole thing.

"Maybe we can, I dunno, get drinks or something."

"Oh! Well, I mean, I really don't drink, but...maybe coffee?"

Lapis chuckled. "Sure! My schedule's a bit packed, but the election's in a couple of weeks. I should be free after that. Or you can come hang out at Fryman's place."

"Hmm. I'll think about it," Pearl said, an empty half-promise she probably wouldn't follow through on. 

"Or we could just meet here when you get a chance, and you can admire my hot, sweaty bod."

"Umm...what?" Pearl was taken aback. 

Lapis chuckled and put her hands on her hips.

"Come on, you think I didn't notice those looks you were throwing me? I never would have pegged you for a creep."

"I'm sorry," Pearl apologized. 

"No worries," Lapis assured her. "I'm just kidding around. Besides, I'm usually stared at by much less attractive people."  

Pearl blushed and chuckled. "Erm...I'm sorry, all the same." 

"Just learn to be a little more discreet," Lapis told her, tossing her towel over her shoulder. 

"Well, whatever you decide...I'm glad we could talk," she continued.

Pearl nodded, watching Lapis walk off. And wondering if she'd just dreamed that whole weird conversation.

Then she saw Lapis pour her water bottle over her head as she left the gym, to the consternation of two men entering the gym. Pearl's face blanched. 

 _I'll shower here,_ she decided.  

* * *

Pearl had just arrived home when her cellphone vibrated. She looked and saw that she'd received a Facebook update. 

Could be her Mom. Could be Amethyst. Probably her mom.

But she rushed to her laptop anyway.

She saw that Amethyst had accepted her friend request. And written a quick reply

_"P - thanks for friending me! u dont have 2 b formal on here, u know? but i appreciate it all the same! how r u thursday nite?"_

Pearl rolled her eyes at Amethyst's writing. Either she was mocking her, or she still wrote like a teenager at age 30. Or 29. However old she was. 

She went to type a response, then noticed Amethyst's avatar seemed different.

Curious, she clicked into Amethyst's profile. 

Amethyst had changed her picture! Just a few minutes before, it seemed. The wild party girl was replaced with a more formal-looking picture, almost studio-quality, of a plump young woman with straight black hair, wearing a dark purple blazer and earrings. She looked a little thinner than Pearl remembered, a lot neater, and her hair wasn't colored any more. (Maybe that was a theme? she thought, remembering Lapis.) But it was unmistakably her.

The smile was the dead giveaway; though it was a more formal look than Pearl remembered. There was still the mixture of welcoming mischief playing across her face. 

That seemed...strangely reassuring. 

Though the whole thing struck Pearl as odd. Had she changed her avatar just for me? To prove she's more mature, now? It was hard not to draw that conclusion.

Pearl didn't know whether to be flattered or unnerved. Regardless, she wasted no time in typing a reply to Amethyst's IM: 

_Thursday night it is! Let's get coffee, okay?_

She sent the message and collapsed on her bed, still tired from the exercise, her mind still unwinding from work and her strange encounters.

Then she turned on the television, scrolling over to a crime show she liked when her brain needed junk food, and made herself some dinner. 

 

 


	3. Old Pearl

Pearl watched, with more than a little irritation, as Rhodonite fussed with her computer. Her mouth twitched with concentration as she tried, unsuccessfully, to unfreeze the billing program. No luck. 

"Well, it's pretty simple," Rhodonite said. "Well, simple to explain, that is, not to fix. It looks like corporate sent through a patch to upgrade the software. Unfortunately, it means that the software isn't operational until it's finished upgrading."

"How long will that take?" Pearl asked. 

"Usually a day or two," Rhodonite said.

"A day or two?" Pearl asked. "But what am I supposed to-?" She cut herself off, rubbing at her temples in an effort to calm herself. 

"All right. Thank you, Rhodonite." 

"Sorry, Pearl. If it were something smaller, I could try and fix it from my desk. But I can' twork miracles."

"It's not your fault. It's just...they usually warn us when they pull crap like this," Pearl complained. "Send out an email or something."  

Rhodonite shrugged helplessly. "Yeah, but I guess they wanted to "

"Very funny."

"Well, you can talk to Ben and see what he wants you to do," Rhodonite says. "I'm sure there's some work lying around for you to complete."

Pearl sighed. "I'm not taking phone calls again..."

Rhodonite nodded sympathetically. "Or I could lie and give you the day off."

"How would that work?" Pearl asked, scoffing. "I don't feel like you have that kind of authority."

"No," Rhodonite admitted, her face taking on a sly, conspiratorial grin. "But I **could** tell Ben that we fixed everything and you can spend the rest of the day doing, you know, whatever." 

Rhodonite winked, but Pearl was nonplussed.

"That's an interesting idea," she said. "Except you forget that they can track how much work I'm doing. They have access to my to-do list and see all the invoices that process. If I'm sitting around all day not getting any work done...they'll notice."

"Hey, just a thought," Rhodonite said. "You know, in all my years at this company - well, all four, I guess - I've never seen anyone so eager to get work done."

"It's not that I'm eager," Pearl insisted. "Just that I don't like being bored."

"Guess it does make the day go by faster," Rhodonite said. "In the meantime, I'm gonna go send a strongly worded email to corporate to see what the hell they're doing here. If we're lucky, this will be fixed by the end of the day. If not, well, remember what I said." 

"I'll take it into consideration." 

Rhodonite smiled and walked off. Pearl looked after her and sighed, then turned to face her frozen computer screen. 

"Your computer's on the fritz, huh?" 

Pearl turned and saw Amber leaning over with an expectant face. 

"Looks like," Pearl confirmed. To her dread, Amber smiled. 

"You can take some of _my_ bills off my hands if you want," Amber suggested, gesturing to the pile of papers on her desk.

Pearl rolled her eyes and sighed. She closed them for a moment, trying to keep from snapping at her insistent coworker. Knowing she wouldn't take no for an answer. 

"Sure. Why not?" 

* * *

It was that kind of Wednesday. The kind where Pearl was absolutely thrilled when work ended, even though she had nothing in particular planned.

Fortunately, the weather outside was nice - in the 40s, cold enough to need a coat, but without snow or ice, or wind. A nice change from the week before, where a major ice storm blew through and froze everything. 

Tonight Pearl could walk through Beach City's small business district, taking in the familiar sights and unwind a bit before deciding what to do.

She thought about last night, wondering if she might run into Lapis at the gym again. Then she remembered Lapis only went there once or twice a week. And she didn't want to push her luck.

Plus, she didn't bring any gym clothes. 

She used to hate Beach City. Thought it was a podunk little town eight months of the year, redeemed by the tourist season and the water. Calling it a city was a joke - the population couldn't be more than 30,000, and that seemed generous. 

 _Maybe Rose had the right idea ditching this place,_ Pearl thought.

_No. You're not gonna think about Rose tonight._

But now, despite herself, she lost herself in everything. Enjoying the smell of the beach air and the town's familiar buildings and storefronts, the faces walking (not rushing, no one was ever in a hurry here) past, some familiar, others not. The sight of gulls flying across the twilight sky. The general feeling, at once dull and comforting, of a week night that could be any night, any time in Pearl's life.

 _Maybe things aren't so bad,_ Pearl told herself. _I've got a lot going for me, compared to some people. And I don't mind being alone, most of the time._

It was just that the some of the time that worried her a little bit.

The business district looked unremarkable, even though a few developers from Capital City had purchased a lot of property and tried turning it into a suburban neighborhood (a suburb of what? Pearl wondered. Gentrification, some of the locals had complained. Progress, others responded. But now there were a few bars and restaurants and a newer, bigger movie theater that put the tiny Beachfront Theater to shame. A little civilization, maybe even some nightlife to go along with the usual. 

She stopped in a restaurant, a TGI Friday's-type casual place called Scott's Grill, owned by an out-of-town investor. Her stomach growled, and she didn't feel like cooking tonight. 

* * *

 Strangely enough, Pearl didn't mind eating in places like this. They were crowded, the food wasn't great and the decor (all bric-a-brac and sports penants, of teams long past and teams that never existed) was hideous, yet all of those things worked to its advantage. Pearl could lose herself in the wallah of impenetrable crowd noise and bland music, reading a book and enjoying a meal in a way that helped her zone out.

A hostess sat her down at a booth in the corner.

"Hey, Pearl!" the waiter, a teenager named Lars, instantly recognized her. "Haven't seen you in here for awhile." 

"Hi there, uh, Lars," Pearl said. "How's it going?"

"It's going. Still, um, trying to make ends meet, you know? My dad's not letting me drive after my little fender-bender, so I'm saving up for my own car." 

"Coming through, Lars!" A plump blonde brushed past, carrying a tray of drinks. Lars looked after her, his face blending a smile with a nervous scowl.  

"Have you asked Sadie out yet?" Pearl asked playfully.

"What will you have, ma'am?" Lars asked, suddenly professional. Pearl allowed herself a smirk at hitting a sore spot. 

"Just get me..." She instinctively searched for a salad on the menu. Her eyes widened at the three salads on offer. None of which sounded overly appetizing, and the healthiest of them had 600 calories, anyway. 

 _Well, I guess you don't come to a place like this to eat healthy,_ Pearl scolded herself. 

"How about...barbecue chicken breast, maybe? Is the sauce on it, or on the side?"

"Yes, it's marinated in our hickory barbecue sauce." 

"Sounds good. And I'll have a broccoli and a rice pilaf with that."

"Sure thing. And to drink?"

"Just a Diet Coke with lemon."

"Living large tonight, huh?"

"Hey, I asked for a lemon." 

"Coming right up."

Pearl handed the young waiter her menu and smiled, noticing that he still seemed a little irritated by her question about Sadie.

She'd brought a book - having given up on Madeline Miller, she'd dug up her old copy of E.L. Doctorow's _Ragtime_ , one of her favorite novels, and strangely easy to read as a collection of vignettes rather than a hard-and-fast narrative. Before plunging back into the story, though, she took a moment to people watch. 

She spied a few familiar faces among the crowd. The Mayor's teenage daughter Jenny, laughing in a booth with what Pearl guessed was her latest beau. A girl with long bangs and blue hair, laughing with friends; she even cast Pearl a friendly return glance. Buck Dewey, son of the ex-Mayor, lounging in a corner drinking what looked like a Long Island iced tea. 

It all seemed strangely comforting to Pearl. Just knowing that people she knew were here, even if she didn't say anything to them. Only the lousy Tears for Fears cover playing over the stereo ruined it, but she realized that wouldn't last more than a few minutes. 

Pearl smiled contentedly, digging into his book just as Lars returned with her drink. She spritzed the lemon into her soda and took a few sips to make sure it tasted all right. Then she began reading, plunging into the chapter where Evelyn Nesbitt met Emma Goldman and landing on the disgusting, literal climax of the chapter involving a naked male eavesdropper. 

As she read this, she glanced up and looked at the bar. She traded glances with a tall, pink-haired woman at the bar.

At first, she thought it was Rose, and blanched. Blinked a few times, making sure she wasn't seeing things.

Well, she wasn't seeing things. But it wasn't Rose. 

Just someone who looked incredibly like her.

Well, at a glance. This woman dressed more...what was the style called, punk? She had a denim jacket over a white crop top, a face piercings on her face. Her figure was curvy but much more slender than Rose's, and her skin a dark, appealing tan whereas Rose's was milky-white. 

Pearl took a long, appreciative look at the woman, a bit starstruck by her appearance. Wondering if she could summon the courage to say hi.

The woman caught Pearl's glance, and smiled back, sending shivers down Pearl's spine.

Pearl forced herself to look away, and took a long drink of her Coke.

 _Not tonight, Pearl,_ she scolded herself. 

"Thirsty, huh?"

Pearl practically choked on her drink.

"Excuse me?" she demanded, feeling the soda burn against her throat. She turned and saw Lars, standing over her with a refill and a smug smirk.  

"Guess that's karma's way of getting back at you for teasing me," he said.

He looked back over to the bar to affirm and saw, to his discomfiture, Sadie talking with the Mystery Girl.

"You were saying?" Pearl teased, taking a small sip from the new glass.  

"She likes to come here," Lars said. "The Pink-haired girl, I mean. She comes in here a couple nights a week, sometimes with someone, sometimes alone."

"Oh, I...see." She made a mental note, feeling a little hopeful at the thought they meet might again. 

"Yeah. I think her name's Sheena or something. She must be new in town, I hadn't seen her until a month or two ago." 

Pearl nodded, watching the girl laugh at a joke Sadie told her.

"You want me to introduce you? Or should I leave you to your own devices?"

He looked down at Pearl's book. "Of course, if I did that you'd never finish reading in time..."

"Somebody's begging for me not to give him a tip," Pearl said. 

"I'm just sayin'," Lars said.

"Maybe it's not your place to say," Pearl admitted. "I've got a lot going on right now."

"Sure. All the Doctorow novels in the world need read by someone. Tell ya what. I think my dad has _Billy Bathgate_ when you're done with that one, maybe you guys can swap out. Maybe even form your own old people's book club."

"I'm _thirty_ , Lars. I'm allowed to be old."

"Yeah, maybe. It seems to me...I mean, I'm still in high school, so take it with a grain of salt...but you're still pretty young in my book. Why don't you have fun while you can?" 

"Maybe this **is** my idea of fun." Pearl always felt a little annoyed when she had to justify herself to someone else. **Especially** someone like Lars, who was young, annoying and clearly just picking on her.

"Don't make me sad, Pearl," Lars said, shaking his head.

"Don't you have some chicken to marinate?" she snapped.

"They don't pay me to cook." 

"Well, they don't pay you to insult your customers, either. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to be boring in peace." 

She shooed him away with a dramatic hand gesture. Lars cast her a side eye and walked away, nearly bumping into another waiter.

 _Serves you right, you little cretin,_ Pearl said, returning to her book.

Still, she kept casting glances over at the Mystery Girl. Even after her food came. 

And Mystery Girl occasionally cast glances back at Pearl, setting off a blush each time.

 _When did I become a love struck teenager again?_ Pearl wondered, forcing herself to read the book between bites. _First Lapis, now this?_

She decided to concentrate on her food and her book. Forcing herself to try and not think about it, as a Katy Perry song queued up on the speakers and thoughts and emotions warred in her head. 

_Maybe this is what you wanted. You wanted to have fun. To meet new people._

_Sure. But staring at people across a restaurant...a little creepy, no?_

_Gotta start somewhere._

_That's the kind of attitude that gets you Rose Quartz._

_And **that's** the kind of attitude that keeps you home alone on Saturday night, eating salad._

_I like salad. Real salad, not this place's garbage salad._

_Maybe you do. But there's more to life than salad. Girls, for instance._

_I don't want to meet girls right now._

_Maybe not in that way, you annoying prude. But maybe, you know, meet them. Just go and say hi. There's no harm in that._

_I guess not._

_Better than staring._

_There's that._

_Plus she's hot._

She couldn't stand it anymore. Her hands trembling, her eyes scanned the last few pages of the chapter and looked up to the bar.

By now, Sheena was gone.

 _Great, you blew it_ , she scolded herself.

Yet at the same time, she breathed a sigh of relief. One less stressor she'd need to confront tonight.

Besides, there was always Amethyst tomorrow. And she worried that might be stressful enough.

* * *

It was dark out when Pearl finished, but she still didn't want to head home. So she strolled through the boardwalk, looking at all the familiar stores and restaurants wistfully. Thinking about all the years she'd spent here, all the memories. Some with Rose, some not.

She saw that Beach Citywalk Fries was open, and that it appeared crowded. She walked past and saw Mr. Fryman inside, chatting with a bunch of people. She couldn't tell if they were customers or people working for him.

Then she spotted Lapis, laughing at a joke someone had told, while munching on a sandwich. 

Pearl lit up at the sight of Lapis. She thought about sticking her head in, just to say hi.

But there were too many people for that to seem comfortable. And she felt a spasm in her chest, a mild premonition of a panic attack, as she contemplated the others in the restaurant. 

So she ducked out of sight and kept walking, feeling a little ashamed of herself for not having the courage. 

She decided to head down to the beach. She took off her shoes and walked barefoot, allowing the waves to splash against her feet. It was cold, but she didn't mind it.

It was relaxing. And after a day like this, it felt good to be alone.  

Nothing but the cool salt air, the steady pounding of the waves, and her own thoughts.

She saw the clouds moving across the Moon overhead. Saw a trickle of light hit the surf.

It sparked a flickering memory of her and Rose, running along the beach, laughing and hugging, Rose's skin and eyes sparkling in the moonlight...

Then the cloud blocked the Moon, and the memory vanished with it.

Pearl walked on.

She finally found a small rise in the sand, just out of reach of the waves, and sat down. It was too dark to see anything besides whatever the boardwalk lights illuminated.

She sat there. Thinking. Watching the tide come in.

Allowing herself to feel peaceful, for just a few minutes.

Tomorrow night, there would be Amethyst. And, if everything went according to plan, she would be the New Pearl. Or what she hoped was the New Pearl. Probably not the Old Pearl, if she could help it.

Maybe the New Pearl would have the guts to talk to Sheena, or to say hi to Lapis.

Maybe the New Pearl would have the gumption to tell Amber to put a sock in it. 

Maybe the New Pearl could find something more exciting to do with her evenings than reading an old book in a crappy restaurant. 

Maybe the New Pearl won't be reminded of Rose everywhere she goes.

She thought she heard peals of laughter - Rose's laughter, her own laughter - echoing over the surf. But of course, it was all in her mind.

But tonight...well, it was tonight. It was still okay to be this way. 

She spotted the Moon coming out from behind a cloud, and sighed. 

 

 

 

 


	4. Five Years

There were two coffee shops in Beach City. One was a little hipster-ish place with sparse decorations, posters for concerts of local bands and political meetings and lectures. The other was a Starbucks. 

Naturally, Amethyst wanted to meet at the Starbucks.

Pearl felt a little chagrined, but mostly nervous. She'd endured another day of vague instructions from Fluorite and Amber's incessant whining, working mechanically.

What were they going to say to each other? How easily could they reignite their friendship?

How much did five years matter? 

When Pearl spotted Amethyst, it didn't seem that it mattered at all. At first. 

Amethyst wore a black coat over a purple outfit. Her face seemed freshly made up, her thick black hair straightened. Her green eyes flashed with excitement when she spotted Pearl, making Pearl melt. 

"Pearl! Holy shit, it's you!"

"Amethyst!"

"Come here, you little ballerina!"

She rushed over and gave Pearl a crushing, full-bodied hug which startled her. She recovered enough to lift her arms and pat Amethyst on the back a few times until she let go. 

"Still the world's best hugger, I see?" Pearl said, recovering a little.

"Yep!" Amethyst agreed cheerfully. "If there's one thing I can do right..."

She studied Pearl for a moment. "Like your hair."

"Oh, thanks. I just figured it's more, I dunno, manageable than long hair."

"Yeah. Plus it's kind of a sign of maturity and junk, right?"

"That didn't really cross my mind," Pearl insisted. 

"Ahh, it's cool. I like my hair too much to part with it," Amethyst said, flipping her hair over her shoulders emphasis. "But at some point I did figure, heck, maybe coloring it every shade of the rainbow was a little old at this point."

"Well, it looks nice," Pearl said. 

"Thanks, P." Amethyst gave the faintest hint of a blush, which brought out the freckles on her cheeks. Then, beaming, she gestured towards a table. 

"Shall we?" 

* * *

 

Pearl was surprised, and incredibly relieved, at how comfortable she and Amethyst were together. She'd spent all week worrying over how the two of them might get along, how their reunion might go. But Amethyst was talking a mile a minute in her usual fashion, acting like there wasn't five years since their last face-to-face meeting. It startled Pearl a little bit that they could just pick up where they left off like this.

And yet, she felt grateful.  

"So yeah, after school I kinda drifted around a bit. I spent some time in this awful little pitstain town called Jones Bluff, then moved back here after...that didn't work out. Moved back in with Peridot and started doing odd jobs around town. Waitressing, secretarying, things like that. Stuff to make ends meat, nothing I enjoyed doing. Until I finally found something that suited me." 

"Oh? What's that?" Pearl asked.

Amethyst gave a guarded little half-smile.

"You promise you won't laugh?" she asked.

"Of course not," Pearl said, though her voice betrayed uncertainty.

Amethyst detected her reticence, and her smile turned mischievous. 

"Come on, Pearl," Amethyst pressed. "What do you think I, of all people, could possibly get up to?" 

"Well, five years **is** a long time," Pearl muttered. She wondered what awful revelation Amethyst was setting her up for.

Amethyst's smile dropped off her face and she leaned forward. 

"Well...you know how I've always been a troublemaker, right?" she asked quietly.

Pearl didn't response, though her face screwed up into a worrisome grimace. Which seemed to encourage Amethyst. 

"Well, after I moved back here from Jones Bluff I couldn't find work. So I knew a guy, and he set me up as a prostitute," she said, as casually as she could. "So I did that gig for a few years until I realized, hey, fucking randos and tourists for money wasn't really my bag, you know? So one day I decided to murder my pimp and take off with all of his money. Me and one of the other girls, her name was Molly, we beat him to death with iron bars and totally ransacked his place. Only we found that he only had about $250! Not even enough for a month's rent. Can you believe it? 

"But we were murderers now. So we went on the lam and just started, you know, holding up liquor stores and shaking down drug dealers together. We were like Bonnie and Clyde, or I guess Bonnie and Bonnie. And then, while we were on the road, we fell in love. We pledged that after me made One Big Score, we were gonna settle down together and smoke pot and, I dunno, spend the rest of eternity holding hands and watching goopy romcoms together.

"Then we drove through Capitol City and crossed the wrong guy. Mr. Big, they called him, he was in charge of the city's organized crime. We robbed a store that belonged to him and he sent a goon squad after us. Only we were totally ready and beat them all unconscious with pool cues. Pool cues, P! Then we had sex right then and there and skedaddled before they woke up."

Pearl kept staring, eyes darting back and forth, trying to read her old friend's face.

Is she serious? There's no way she's serious, is she? 

Amethyst continued, oblivious. "So Mr. Big called in a favor, and the police caught up to us while we were eating burgers at a McDonald's and there was this big shootout. And Lex was shot to pieces and she died in my arms, right there in front of everyone. And while she was dying, she promised me to take the money we'd hidden away and go straight. And then she died. And the cops questioned me and thought I was, like, a hostage or something and I came back home and went into hiding. Trying to stay low and go straight."

Pearl stared at her for a long, long minute with her mouth agape. 

"My...that's...quite the story," she finally managed.

"Yeah, but it's not over yet," Amethyst insisted. She suddenly leaned forward and grabbed Pearl's hand.

"Because, as much as I've tried...I miss being a criminal. I've been planning to get back into the game, you know? Hit a few banks, sell some drugs, make some more scratch. But I realized I couldn't do it alone. I needed a new partner."

Pearl stared into Amethyst's face, absolutely serious.

"What do you think, Pearl?" she asked.

Pearl leaned forward, conspiratorially, then said in the most deadpan voice she could manage:

"I think you are absolutely and utterly full of **shit**."

Amethyst laugh so loud and hard that everyone in the coffee store turned and stared. 

"Almost had you there, huh?" she said, ignoring the scowl of a passing couple. "Man, you should have seen the look on your face."

"Well, I don't know what the appropriate reaction is to..." Pearl began. "Did you think up all yourself? Is that a movie, or...?"

"Kinda both," Amethyst admitted. "It was, like, a story I wrote back in high school for an English class. Only I was with a guy, I think, and I'm pretty sure my character died at the end, too. But yeah, basically the same. It's just kind of, like, a weird fantasy trip I've had for years."

"It was certainly very thought-out," Pearl admitted. 

"Well, I'm sorry if I weirded you out there," Amethyst said, suddenly serious. "It's just...man, it's been so long, hasn't it?"

"It has," Pearl admitted. 

The two sat there for a moment, pondering their drink cups. Then Pearl muttered:

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Amethyst assured her.

"Well, I cut you out of my life kind of abruptly," Pearl reminded her. "That wasn't very fair of me..."

"No, I think we all understood...Look, what Rose did to you...None of us held it against you that you didn't want to be around after that went down. I mean, if that happened to me..."

She didn't finish the thought, just shook her head and stared at the floor. 

"But...I mean, I'll admit it, P. We missed you. A lot. The group was kinda aimless without you or Rose around. And we didn't want Rose back, you know. She was going to be an awful, lying bitch like that, we didn't need her. Fuck her. But we still thought, Pearl was a cool girl. Pearl was somebody we liked spending time with. Who we thought, you know, she wasn't just Rose's girlfriend. Even if she kinda started out that way. But..."

Amethyst cut herself off again, fiddling with a piece of straw paper. Pearl could tell she weighing how honest to be, how much to blame Pearl for what happened.

"I...I don't know what to say," Pearl admitted, feeling a massive, crushing stab of guilt overcome her. Remembering the last time they'd tried hanging out, where Pearl got blackout drunk and could only remember screaming her lungs out at Amethyst at everyone for trying to comfort her...

"You already said sorry," Amethyst assured her quietly, cutting through her thoughts.

Pearl started to say something, but her mouth just trembled. Then Amethyst grabbed her hand and smiled. 

The two women locked eyes. Pearl felt tears brimming in her eyes; it seemed like there should be more.

But for now at least, Amethyst wasn't pressing her. 

"What you **can** tell me," she said, seguing back into her usual, upbeat cadence, "is what the hell you've been up to the past five years." 

* * *

 

Pearl caught Amethyst up pretty fast on the few jobs she'd held since they last saw each other. The awful call center position, the interregnum at the library, and her most recent billing position. Amethyst seemed a little disappointed by her story. 

"I'm glad you like your job," Amethyst said, "but...jeez, that's the definition of underachieving. Woulda figured you'd be publishing best-selling novels or something by now. Or be a teacher. Or at least have a column for _The New Yorker_."

Pearl laughed. "Why is the _New Yorker_ last?"

"Haven't you heard the news from 2004? Print is dead."

"The _New Yorker_ has an online edition."

"Not my point," Amethyst said. "Didn't you ever want to go back to school? Get a masters or something? I woulda thought...I mean, someone like you..."

Pearl sighed; she'd had this conversation a million times over the years, sometimes with her parents, sometimes with coworkers, and sometimes with herself. It wasn't any more pleasant the million-and-first time. 

"It wasn't an issue of... _want_ ," she began, pinching the bridge of her nose in irritation. "I never had money to go back to school. My grades were perfectly fine, but you generally don't get a scholarship or a free ride to graduate school unless you were, like, straight A's all the time. And, as much as I hate to admit it, there were some courses in school I struggled with."

"Yeah, sure."

"Math, for one," Pearl admitted. "Or logic."

"Ugh, I took one of those courses in community college," Amethyst sighed. "That was torture."

"Math without numbers is...not something I'm comfortable with," Pearl admitted. "It doesn't make sense!"

"Don't blame you. But still..."

"I don't really write much," Pearl admitted. "I used to keep a blog where I talked about personal things, and occasionally TV shows I liked, but...I haven't kept at it. All I do now online is Goodreads and the occasional message board."

"Oh Lord, you really are a nerd." 

"I guess," Pearl said. 

"Who uses message boards in 2019? That's cray, Pearl." 

"So, you know what I realized?" Pearl interrupted, mildly annoyed. "You never actually told me about your exciting job." 

Amethyst scrunched her face. "Okay, I deserve that after my...epic story. Promise you won't judge?"

"Unless you're really a criminal."

"P, I'm serious. It's...kinda awkward."

Pearl nodded. "Of course," she reassured her. She figured it must be something really bad if Amethyst didn't even want to discuss. 

Amethyst sighed, messed with her hair a bit before answering. 

"I'm a model."

"Really?" Pearl asked. "Amethyst, that's great."

"Yeah, yeah," Amethyst said, dismissing Pearl's praise. "It's just...you know how people are. They look at someone like me, and..."

"Aww, Amethyst," Pearl said. "You know I wouldn't judge you for something like that."

"Do I?" Amethyst snapped. Pearl recoiled a little, wondering if Amethyst really was okay with missing the past five years. 

"Sorry. Some people are like that, you know," Amethyst said, still looking ashamed. "Heavy Asian women aren't everyone's idea of..."

And she trailed off.  

Pearl smiled warmly. "Some people are jerks," she said.

Amethyst snorted, but didn't say anything more.

"What kind of modeling do you do?" Pearl prodded.

"This and that," Amethyst said, folding her arms. "Mostly...I have a friend named Vidalia who teaches art classes in town. She uses me as a live model for her painting classes."

"Oh, that's neat."

"Yeah?" Amethyst still seemed skeptical. She scanned Pearl's face, trying to see how sincere she was. Pearl froze a bit, hoping that she didn't seem like she was being polite. 

"It doesn't pay me a lot," Amethyst continued. "I do some photographic modeling, too. Turn up in small magazines and things, you know. That pays better..."

"That's really neat," Pearl said. "How did you get into that?"

Amethyst smiled. She determined Pearl wasn't being polite, and warmed to herself. 

"I've known Vidalia for years," Amethyst said. "Like, we were friends before I met Rose. Like, when I was in college! She didn't go to school, at least not, like a formal art school or anything. But she's always been mad talented, and she saved up enough money after she got married to open her own store. So she decided to teach classes, and...she told me I inspired her. And, I mean, how could I turn her down after **that**?"

"Well, that's quite the complement!" Pearl confirmed. 

"Yeah. I never really knew I had that kind of effect on anyone," Amethyst confirmed. "So it was good to hear...especially from a friend, you know. Vidalia is really...something, you know? And I found out I loved to do it. So, here we are."

"Amethyst, I'm so happy for you!" Pearl repeated. "Believe me, not everybody finds something they love to do."

"Yeah. Guess it's a little better than filing medical bills," Amethyst snarked.

"Oh, a lot better."    

"Yeah. But it's still not enough to...I still have to do odd jobs here and there, you know? Modeling's not exactly steady work, unless you're like Karlie Kloss or someone like that. But, hey, I've been doing it for a few years now and have a decent portfolio, so...who knows?"

"That's really great," Pearl said again. "I don't think I could do that."

"Why not?" Amethyst said. "Pearl, you are the bomb! That figure, that face, you are gorgeous."

"Aww...well, thanks," Pearl blushed. 

"I could totally hook you up with Vidalia if you wanted."

"I don't think so."

"Come on, P."

"Nah, I'm too...shy for something like that."

"You, shy?" Amethyst said. "That's a new one."

She laughed. But this time it was a joyless, empty laugh. Not quite mocking, just...Pearl couldn't identify the emotion. Uncomfortable? Nervous? 

Pearl thought about it for a moment, not sure what to add. And not really wanting to discuss her own attractiveness, something she very much doubted, anyway.  

Prudently, she decided to change the subject.

"So...are you still rooming with Peridot?" she asked.

"Not for awhile," Amethyst said. "She moved out last year and lives by herself now. She's doing admissions at the Community College, or something. We're still in touch, but...we don't hang out that much."

"Ah."

"That's being an adult. Can't stay in touch with everyone," Amethyst shrugged. Then she added, in a barely audible mumble: "Or _anyone_ , it seems like..."

Pearl again felt a veiled jab at her. Started to feel guilty, and a little reticent about continuing. 

She wanted to lay all her cards on the table. She and Amethyst needed to talk things out. Something more substantial than small talk over coffee. If they were gonna be friends again, honesty was necessary. 

But Pearl didn't feel this was the time, or the place, to work everything out with Amethyst. Just try and catch up, lay the groundwork for next time they saw each other. When they were more comfortable with each other, to go into deep conversation.   

And Amethyst...well, she didn't seem happy. There was something gnawing at her. Maybe it was Pearl, maybe it was something else.

"I ran into Lapis Lazuli the other day," Pearl said. 

Amethyst visibly winced. 

"Yeah...I know she and Peridot were...an item for awhile."

"Yeah...you don't have to tell me," Amethyst replied. "I'm the one who had to clean up after her when she left Peridot and left her a complete wreck."

"Oh. I didn't know that."

"Lapis was...I was never crazy about her, but I'm not one to judge who my friends date, you know? But then she and Peridot had a big fight - I wasn't there, I just heard after the fact - and Peridot was a complete crying wreck of a person for weeks after that. Had to talk her off the ledge, so to speak. It took her forever to get over it."

"Oh," Pearl said again, helpless. And feeling a little remorseful for bringing her up. 

"You know Lapis?"

"Not really well," Pearl admitted. "I knew her through Peridot, I guess...back in the day."

"You're better off not knowing her," Amethyst said. "She's a Grade A bitch."

"I'm sorry for bringing up bad memories," Pearl apologized.

"Well...it's been so long, I wouldn't expect you to know."

Amethyst seemed more direct this time, angrier. And Pearl couldn't take it any more. 

"Amethyst, I'm sorry," Pearl blurted out. She couldn't take it any more. Enough jabs, enough dancing around the subject.

"Pearl, could we just...?" Amethyst sighed. A little startled, frankly, by Pearl's explosion. 

"No," Pearl interrupted. "If you're gonna keep going after me about this, fine. Let's have it out, right here."

"You really wanna do this, P?" Amethyst asked. She seemed more resigned than angry. 

"Why the hell are we even _meeting_ like this if you're just gonna try and guilt me over this?" Pearl demanded.

She took a few breaths, then continued. 

"Look, I realize I left. And didn't talk to you. I didn't do it to be mean...I just...I didn't want that life any more. I didn't want any reminders of Rose, even if it were...people. And...that wasn't okay. Because I didn't think of how you'd feel. And I felt bad about it, but...every time I thought about reaching out...I couldn't. I just thought that would make it worse."

Silence descended over them again. 

"I'm sorry," Pearl interjected quietly. She took a sip from her tea, which was now mostly brown ice water.

"All it would have taken," Amethyst said finally, not looking at Pearl. "Just one call. One text. One Facebook message. Just...to let us know you were okay. That's it."

"Amethyst..." Pearl began. 

"Because...I don't think you got it," Amethyst continued, waving off Pearl's interruption. "I still don't think you do. You don't understand...can you really not **get** that we thought of you as a friend? That we were worried and upset about what happened with you and Rose? That we all wanted to be there for you? Me and Garnet and everyone else? Didn't you know that we were angry at Rose, too, and that we were angry she hurt you? That I might..." 

She stopped herself with a couple of deep breaths. Pausing for effect, allowing her words to sink in. Then she continued, quietly. Hurt dripping from her voice.

"But no. Nothing. Not one word from you, for literally **years.** Like wedidn't matter. Like _we_ were the bad guys. And now..." 

Amethyst sighed and shook her head. Despite the harshness of her words, still she seemed more sad than angry.

"This was a bad idea," she muttered, standing up to leave. 

"Amethyst," Pearl began. 

"I'm glad you're doing okay, Pearl," Amethyst said, grabbing her cup, still not facing Pearl. "Really. I was worried about you...for _five years._ So. I'm glad you've moved on."

"Amethyst," Pearl said, her voice pleading now. 

Amethyst threw her cup in the trash can. She brushed her hair up and rushed past Pearl without saying another word.

Pearl watched her go, then sat back down in the booth and put her head in her hands, trying not to cry.

 _I knew this was a bad idea,_ she thought, feeling guilt and sadness wash over her. 


	5. Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: politics talk. See also the end notes.

Lapis Lazuli played with her phone in a booth, wearing a denim jacket over a dark blue top. Her hair seemed shaggy by design, and she wore a few piercings in her ears that Pearl hadn't spotted the other day. 

"Hey, I'm sorry I didn't wait for you," Lapis said. 

"That's perfectly all right. Sorry I'm late."

"Something at work?"

"Yeah...my coworker Amber dumped a lot of last-minute Friday stuff on my desk. You know how that is..."

"Bummer." 

Lapis put her phone away and greeted a waitress.

"I'll have a summer sunrise, I guess it's called. And some water."

"Okay. And you, ma'am?"

"Umm...just a Diet Coke. And could you bring a lemon with that?"

"Sure, hon."

They were meeting at somewhere slightly more upscale than Scott's Grill, a nice boardwalk bistro called Rick's. Pearl had been here once or twice and enjoyed their seafood, but it was rather expensive for a regular visit. Which put her on edge, making her wonder if this was...more than a friendly social call.

"What's a summer sunrise?"

Lapis shrugged. "Pretty basic cocktail, I guess. Grenade, orange juice, uh, seltzer and raspberry liqueur."

"Sounds pleasant."

"It's light. I don't drink too much these days, just...when I go out sometimes and need to calm down. Or if it's a special occasion."

Pearl blushed, wondering which this was.

She looked herself over; she was dressed a bit more formally than Lapis, wearing her light-blue blazer over her work blouse. She cursed herself for leaving her jewelry at home. If this was a date, at least she looked the part. 

"Thanks for meeting me," Pearl said. "I know it was short notice, and we aren't really, like, close friends...but I needed to see someone."

"That's cool," Lapis said. "Personal problems?"

"You could say that," Pearl admitted, thinking of Amethyst the night before. 

"Been there." Beat. "Anything you'd care to share?"

Pearl smiled politely as the waitress brought their drinks. Pearl didn't answer the question, allowing Lapis to absorb the silence. After taking a sip of her drink, she got the message.

"How's the, erm, campaign going?"

"It's going. We have a fundraising rally tomorrow at the boardwalk. The Mayor's gonna be there, and Bill Dewey, too. For some reason he's been very supportive of Mr. Fryman's campaign."

"He's not a bad guy, just...full of himself."

"Wouldn't _you_ be if you were descended from the town founders?"

"I'd **try** not to be," Pearl said, before admitting: "Couldn't guarantee I'd be successful." 

"Yeah. I guess he's been trying to buy up some business properties downtown. Which, I guess that's slightly less honest than politics..."

"Depends on the politician."

Lapis smiled slightly. "Yeah."

"I'm not really into politics, local or otherwise," Pearl admitted. "I mean, I can't even look at the news and see the President without..." She shivered.

"Join the club," Lapis said. "I'm just...It's easy for me to get mad about things I can't control. Some of them in my life, some of them in the broader world. And I guess doing this has been helpful."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I mean, I didn't really care about politics either until...well, I can't remember exactly if it was before or after me and Peridot broke up. Sometime in early 2016. I was kinda watching the presidential races without really paying attention, enjoying the SNL skits and the sound bites and wondering at how crazy things were that this was the best we could do in our country. Guess like some queer people, I thought, you know, we can get married now and that's a huge step. An amazing thing. But, what else is there? I didn't even think that there was more to politics, if I'm honest, which makes me feel silly...And I had other things going on in my life then that were more...pressing."

"Have you two decided what to order?" The waitress interrupted Lapis's monologue. 

"Umm...are you ready, Pearl?" 

Pearl opened her menu. "Oh...I don't know, I'm sorry. I was kinda distracted...Can you give me a second?"

"Do you need me to come back?" the waitress asked. 

"Umm..." Pearl looked to Lapis for help.

"Tell ya what. It's Friday night so I'll order a surf and turf. Steak and shrimp. Rice and string beans on the side." 

"Ah. You like it well done, right?"

"You know it."

"And you, ma'am?" she turned back to Pearl.

"Umm..." She froze, seeing a few options that looked a bit pricey for her. She weighed getting a burger or a sandwich, but the calorie count dissuaded her...

Lapis must have sensed her struggle. "Pick what you want, Pearl. I'm paying for it."

"No, Lapis, I couldn't..."

Lapis cut her off. "Don't worry about it. You want something good, pick it off the menu."

Pearl smiled and ran her finger over the options.

"The grilled swordfish looks good..." She decided.

"Excellent choice. Do you want that with the mixed vegetables?"

"Why not?" 

"Get the mango salsa," Lapis suggested. "You won't regret it."

Pearl looked at her skeptically, then nodded to the waitress, who took their menus. 

"Very good, ladies. I'll get those right up for you." 

"You don't have to pay," Pearl assured Lapis, once the waitress was out of earshot.

"Don't worry about it," Lapis said. "My treat. Sounds like you deserve one." 

"Thank you." Pearl blushed and sank slightly into her seat, wondering what to make of her offer.

Then another, slightly less embarrassing thought struck her. 

"You know, I've never had swordfish before."

Lapis smiled mysteriously and took a sip of her drink. 

"Well, you really **are** in for a treat." 

* * *

Pearl had come home the night before, angry and sad at once, beating herself up over Amethyst's harsh words. Telling herself that, yes, Amethyst absolutely had every right to call her out the way she did. 

It was easy enough to Pearl to dip into self-loathing. Lord knows she'd spent years beating herself up over Rose, and how everything around that unfolded. Feeling that she was in the wrong. She'd developed a callous to self-criticism. But it still hurt, coming from someone she thought was a friend.

 _This is what you get from trying to live in the past_ , Pearl scolded herself. _You should have known you couldn't just reset the clock and act like nothing had changed._

She anticipated a night swimming in guilt and regret. And God knows that's how it began. 

She managed not to cry, just staring at the ceiling, numb. Awash in memories, and thoughts about the past, that weighed her down until she was unable to move. 

Guilt, mostly. 

Fortunately, her phone rescued her yet again. Another Facebook notification.

Pearl's arm, a noodle limp with sadness, moved just enough to pry the phone from her pocket. She flipped it open and saw...

A friend request from - Lapis Lazuli?

That took her, genuinely, by surprise.

She'd certainly spent a good amount of time thinking about her gym buddy the past few days. But she felt a little surprised that Lapis had thought of her. Other than as the awkward, creepy girl leering at her on the exercise bike, that is. 

It was flattering. And it was something new. Both of which enticed her. 

She wasted no time in accepting the friend request. Minutes later, a message came:

_Thanks for friending me. Let's hang out sometime! - Lapis_

Pearl thought about tonight again, but just for a moment. She forced herself to drive Amethyst out of her mind, realizing she'd just been handed an opportunity to move on.

So she sat up, her arms suddenly mobile again, and typed her response as quickly as her fingers allowed:

_Tomorrow night?_

* * *

Pearl found something refreshing about Lapis Lazuli. She'd had the dimmest memories of her as a snarky, sullen attachment to Peridot, another person she wasn't particularly close to anyway, and was amazed at how lively she seemed. But, she reminded herself, five years is a long time.

Mostly, Lapis seemed interested in explaining how and why she got into politics. And Pearl found it interesting enough not to interrupt.  

"I just kinda thought...all of this awful, awful garbage is going down in the world, you know? That someone like Trump could even be a serious candidate for president...you know, the guy from that fucking reality show...it made me sick. And it got me starting to read, to look into things that I hadn't really cared about before then. You know, dark money and lobbyists and systemic racism and the way both parties are structured. You know, that Jane Mayer book from a few years ago? That blew my mind. And a friend of mine tuned me into Angela Davis. I checked out her old book, _Women, Race and Class_ and it really did a number on me. You know, all these issues I'd thought were different, she tied together into one continuum. They all complemented each other, and it all suddenly made so much sense."

"I never read that one," Pearl admitted, though she remembered Rose's friend Garnet talking about Davis at some point in the distant past.  

"Yeah, it's incredible," Lapis continued. "But it all made me very, very depressed. Because it just seemed like...what can I, Lapis Lazuli, do about all of this? It's too much for any one person to make a difference. Just one more bit of misery and helplessness on top of everything else in my fucking life. 

"Then I kinda mulled it over and I thought, _that_ 's exactly the attitude that lets things get that way. Apathy. Depression. Blowing it off. Pretending you're helpless. And, like, maybe that's how they control everyone? They convince you your vote doesn't matter, that you're just a cog, so you stay home and don't vote, don't write or call your congressperson, don't get involved in campaigns. And the worst people win. And you get laws that strip the rights away from disadvantaged people everywhere..."

"What's the saying? All that's required for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing? Yeah, that's basically it. And I think we're seeing the consequences of that mindset right now."

"I like Yeats better," Pearl admitted, the English major shining through. "The best lack all conviction, the worst are full of passionate intensity."

"Nailed it," Lapis said. "So, why not be passionately intense about good things? Try to make a difference? Even if it's a small one. No one ever changed the world being smug."

Lapis interrupted to take a bite of her shrimp. 

"Should have gotten the coconut shrimp," she complained. "This seems a bit...I dunno, overcooked."

"For $25 it had better be the best damn shrimp in the world," Pearl interjected. 

"Enjoying your swordfish?"

"Yeah! I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but...it's a lot more...substantial than most seafood. I think that's one problem I have with my diet, they all want you to eat fish, but I've never been a fan."

"Oh yeah. I like fish in certain contexts, but seafood isn't really my jam. Unless I'm in the mood, or it's Lent and I'm at a fish fry."

"Yeah."

"Or fish tacos."

"Only the breaded ones."

" **Yes**! The ones with grilled fish aren't any good." 

"Yeah, but this is...nice," Pearl said. "And I have to admit, I'm enjoying the salsa more than I expected."

"You can thank me properly later," Lapis said suggestively. Pearl chuckled.

"So anyway...you were telling me about politics."

"Oh, yeah," Lapis said. "I mean, I've talked enough..."

"No you haven't!" Pearl assured her. "I mean, it's not like my life is anything to write home about. How did you get into the political game beyond, you know, reading the stuff? Getting woke? Is that what they say?"

Lapis snorted and laughed. "Yeah, I think that's the term of art these days." 

She wolfed down another shrimp, chewing it on her tongue and wincing with...disgust? Disappointment? Then grabbing another drink and slamming it down. 

Pearl felt flush just watching her, something that she tried to hide by drinking her Coke. She was already nearly finished with her second glass. She worried that she'd be up all night peeing at this rate. 

 _God, Lapis is cute,_ she thought, terrified that her face had turned the color of a siren. If it had, Lapis showed no sign of noticing. 

"So anyway," Lapis continued, "I started working for different campaigns around here, congressional campaigns, state legislature, anybody who needed help. Mostly Democrats, some independents, I guess. I did a little bit for Clinton in 2016, but nothing really special, just phone calls and canvassing. But that and the other things...well, it snowballed. Last year, Bill Dewey hooked me up with the Delmarva Democratic Party chair, and she referred me to this long-shot congressional candidate running in the 4th District."

Pearl wracked her mind. "Danny Scott?"

"That's the one! The retired surfer dude. We all thought he was a lost cause, and he was losing by 22 points to an incumbent when I came on board. Just, like the state's version of that Halverson weirdo. But I convinced him to take things more seriously than he was doing, and...Man, it must have worked. Because come Election Day, he won by six points."

"Wow."

Lapis beamed with pride. 

"That's incredible."

Lapis shrugged with false modesty. "Eh, it was nothing." 

"Nonsense. I didn't realize that I'm in the presence of a genius."

"What can I say? I was Depressed, Mopey Lapis for a long, long time. Didn't achieve squat that way. But Determined, Optimistic Lapis gets shit **done**." 

She playfully balled her fist and smacked the table. Pearl laughed. 

"Well, that's really great, Lapis. I mean it, I'm...wow. So what are you doing with Fryman? If you're electing people to congress..."

"All politics is local," Lapis said. "Plus, you know, I needed something to do. There aren't a lot of off-year elections in Delmarva..."

"Yeah, but you could have been, like, a political consultant in Washington. Or a chief of staff."

"Didn't want it. I've seen enough West Wing reruns to know it's not suitable for me. Besides, I'd rather be here than Washington."

"That's pretty corny," Pearl chided. 

"Yeah, but what can you do?" Lapis shrugged. "I spent enough years being cynical, might as well try something new."

"That's a nice way of looking at it," Pearl said. Then she thought to change the subject slightly.  

"So, what happened with you and Peridot?"

"Ugh. Do we have to talk about that?"

Pearl winced. "No...not if you don't want to."

Lapis sighed violently. 

"It's just...we were together for _years_ , Pearl. Long before you met us. We started dating right out of college, and it seemed like...you know, our personalities clashed so much at first. She was this huge, colossal nerd who was neurotic, outgoing, way too confident in herself...and I'm just, you know, this snarky, insecure girl with blue hair. I don't know why we started dating, but it happened.

"And it was fun. Because all the things that were different about us seemed nice at first, you know? You don't want to date anyone too dissimilar from you. But we'd watch a movie or that goddamn _Camp Pining Hearts_ and it wouldn't matter. I'd love how she'd chatter away about which character should hook up with whom, or whether Gal Gadot or Scarlett Johansson was more attractive, or this explicit Pierrcy fanfic she'd found on Tumblr, or all this silly nonsense. And it just felt good. It felt right. Comfortable.

"But, you know, at the end of the day..."

Lapis sighed again, putting her head in her hands. She chewed on her nail for a moment until she straightened out her thoughts. 

"I just felt like...I have my demons, you know? And I leaned on Peridot when I got bad. When my head went to bad places. And sometimes it was nice that she'd try to distract me from it. But at base, I felt she wasn't being honest with me.

"Like, not like she was lying, exactly, just...like she was eating her own feelings. Like she was tiptoeing around me. Like I was made of glass and she thought she'd break me if she were honest. And, you know, maybe...maybe sometimes I encouraged that, especially after..." 

Lapis paused, not yet feeling comfortable enough to share that much with Pearl.

"But yeah. Either way, I just...I didn't want her to _pamper_ me, you know? Treat me like a kid. And so we had a fight about it, and I moved out. And...well, I've basically been single ever since."

She stared for a moment, reliving the pain. And Pearl fought bad for bringing it up.

"I'm sorry," she offered. Something she'd found herself saying a lot over the past week. 

"Nah, it's fine," Lapis assured her. "Water under the bridge."

Though she remained downcast for a moment.

"At least this _steak_ is good," she said, forking a piece of meat into her mouth.

"Well, it can't be worse than the shrimp," Pearl said.

"Yeah. I have a weakness for beef, you know. So even if it were terrible, I'd still be eating it." 

"I don't eat red meat much any more," Pearl admitted. "But that's not because it doesn't taste good! Just, you know..."

"Well, I can tell you watch what you eat," Lapis said, examining Pearl's figure. "And exercise, I bet."

"More the one than the other," Pearl admitted. "I haven't exercised regularly in...my stars, let's say years."

"Ahh. So you went to the gym..."

"New Year's Resolution."

"Of course. Should have figured. That, or you're just one of those people God blessed with an amazing metabolism."

"I wouldn't say it's that, either," Pearl said, a little more defensively than she probably should have. "I mean, for one thing there were all the sports I competed in back in school. But mostly it's just, I try to watch what I eat, and drink, and that's helped a lot over the years."

"That's cool. Trust me, I get it. I'm not judging, it's just...the older you get...you don't realize how much effort it is to stay healthy, right?"

Pearl nodded. "Yeah."

"Like, even into my mid-twenties I could eat all this disgusting, marginally-edible shit every night and not gain an ounce. You should have seen some of the godawful unhealthy things Peridot would make. Nachos with tater tots and eight kinds of cheeses...Now, I just look at a potato chip and I bloat up. Swear to God, Pearl. It's like a curse."

"You don't have to tell me about that!" Pearl assured her.

"It's...what's the word, English major?"

"Hubris?"

"Yeah. God's punishing me for having fun when I was young! It's _so_ not fair. Even this steak is gonna do a number on me. Good Lord, how much I want to eat the tater tot nachos again." 

"I mean, it's never easy to..." Pearl began. "Like, I see you eating a steak and not wanting to reach over and wolf it down myself."

"Yeah." 

"Not that the swordfish isn't good! It's just, you have to acquire a taste for it."

"Yeah. I mean, you think I just jumped off my couch and became a gym rat right away?" 

"Right. It's just...self-control."

"I hear you."

Pearl looked down thoughtfully for a moment.

"That's something...I feel like I never used to have it. I was very impulsive when I was in school...and for awhile after. That's what...I mean, that's how Rose happened. And look where it got me."

She launched into a quick and dirty summary of her relationship with Rose, finding it as painful to relate this time as it always was. Lapis seemed genuinely shocked by the twist at the end.

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"Guess I _didn't_ know Rose, like, at all."

"I mean, none of us did, I guess."  

"We all have shitty relationships, Pearl," Lapis said quietly. "Believe me, I'm the queen of 'em."

"It's not just that, though," Pearl said. "That's, like, a symptom and not the disease. It's..."

She rested her chin in her hand and drummed her fingers on the table, thinking of how best to explain.

"Part of me _misses_ it, you know?" she said. "Being able to do all these wild things without real consequences. I wish I could go out and drink a whole 40 ounce beer every Friday night. Or, you know, wild parties. Dancing like a madwoman in the club. Driving my car 80 miles an hour through town. But...I mean, at the same time...I don't **want** to go back to that. I like being in control. I just worry sometimes that I'm too much...that way. It's just hard to balance the two, I guess." 

Lapis furrowed her brow thoughtfully. 

"I know what you mean," she said. "The past is always going to be a part of you. I mean, you're the Pearl you were back then, regardless of what you do now. But that doesn't have to be, like, the sum total of who you are. It doesn't mean you can't try new things, or be different. I mean, look at me. If you'd have told twenty-five year old Lapis...hell, twenty-six year old Lapis Lazuli that she'd be where I am now...

"I mean, you can always change yourself, Pearl. It's never too late to try something new. Just, you know, you can control that, too."

"I hope you're right," Pearl said. "But, I mean...what's the saying about teaching an old dog new tricks?"

"You're not old," Lapis assured her.

"Yeah," Pearl admitted. "But a lot of times I feel that way."

"There's another saying I like," Lapis replied. "The past can hurt, but you can either run from it, or learn from it."

"I like that," Pearl said, mulling it over. "Very profound."

Lapis chuckled slightly, taking another sip of her drink. 

"What?" Pearl didn't get it. 

"It's from _The Lion King_ , silly." 

"Ah. I'm a bit rusty on my Disney cartoons."

"Well, you can go watch the live action remake soon enough..."

"Don't remind me. Why would you go out of your way to ruin a good thing like _that?"_

The check came while they were in the midst of mocking Will Smith's genie, causing Pearl to look at her watch.

"Oh my stars, it's almost 9:30."

She felt flushed with disappointment. The night had been so much fun, had reinvigorated her so much...and here it was, already over. 

Or so she thought. Until Lapis raised an eyebrow.

"Almost 9:30? Seriously?" 

"Oh, I like to be home earlier than that on any night," Pearl insisted. 

"Why, you have plans?"

"I'm down to the last few chapters of my novel and I was looking forward to finishing them."

"Of course you were."

"Yes, I like to read!"

"Maybe I'll take back what I said about you not being old..." 

Lapis plopped her credit card on top of the check. She smiled, then said in a softer tone.

"Well, if it helps, I'm not usually out this late unless I have, like, business to attend to. I mean, partying...isn't my thing any more, either."

She looked down and lipped her lips, as if puzzling out a thought.

"Still...it's Friday night," she said. 

"I know," Pearl apologized. "I've become a square without even trying." 

"No, it's fine," Lapis assured her. "Really. It's just..."

She sat there, fidgeting in her chair a little bit. Now it was Lapis's turn to be nervous. Though Pearl couldn't fathom why.

Finally, after the waitress took her card, she sat up and faced Pearl. 

"Maybe...if you're not up for doing anything else, and if it's not too much trouble...and it won't distract from your busy reading schedule..."

She looked down, again. Bit her lip, again. Then finally looked up, straight into Pearl's eyes.

"Would you like to walk me home?"

Pearl's brain struggled to process this request. Wondering if it meant what she instantly assumed, or if she was just being Pearl again. 

But then she saw Lapis smile. Not the snarky smile or the joking smile, just a plaintive little grin on her face.

And Pearl felt something that she hadn't felt in a long, long time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote Lapis a little OOC here, but this time it was deliberate. Because this is basically a future AU as much as a human one, and I'm trying to examine how she and the other characters have changed since they last knew each other. It won't be 100 percent true to canon, but hopefully it will be somewhat consistent to, say, a Lapis or a Pearl who've tried working through their struggles in a way different than the show.


	6. Afterglow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bumping the rating up to Mature for this chapter. Nothing Explicit, but definitely Adult.

Pearl spent the whole walk back to Lapis's place warring with herself in her head. They made small talk, but Pearl barely processed the words. Too many thoughts were buzzing through her mind. 

Part of her was excited: _This is happening! A hot girl wants me to spend the night with her!_

Then the other part would answer back: _Oh my God, I haven't done this in...so long. And never with anyone but Rose. What if I screw up? What if I disappoint her? Or myself?_

But those worries disappeared almost instantly. Because Lapis, at least tonight, didn't seem to have any inhibitions.

She and Pearl went to work on each other almost the moment they entered the door, kissing hungrily and undressing like a couple of teenagers coming home from prom night.  Pearl, realized as Lapis's hands reached around her shoulders and undid her bra, that technique wouldn't matter tonight.

Soon enough, they found their way into bed, and the result was incredible. 

* * *

They stayed awake for awhile afterwards. Lapis made coffee and they sat in her kitchen, drinking and savoring each other's presence. Lapis wore a flannel shirt, Pearl a robe she'd borrowed from Lapis's room. 

Pearl savored the buzz of excitement, the afterglow which she'd always found as pleasant as the actual lovemaking. She had a stupid smile on her face, staring into her drink, at a loss for words. 

"Coffee strong enough for you?" Lapis asked.

"What? Oh, yes, this is fine. Better than fine."

"I like the Sumatran roast," Lapis said. "It's nice and, I dunno...is _earthy_ the right word?"

"Yeah," Pearl affirmed absently. "That seems right." 

"It's how they process it," Lapis continued. "They call it wet-hulling, or something like that. Keeps the moisture in. It's not everybody's cup of tea, or coffee I guess, but..."

Pearl took a sip. It honestly wasn't the best coffee she'd ever had, but right now coffee was the furthest thing from her mind.

She enjoyed listening to Lapis. And watching her. Watching her facial expression and her bright, lively eyes as she spoke. 

How she warmed to a topic as banal as coffee, and seemed determined to explain the _hell_ out of it. 

It was strange for Pearl to encounter someone her age, so passionate. She couldn't tell how much of it was sincere, how much was an act. Especially after what Lapis had told her earlier, and what she remembered the girl from before.

Either way, she was grateful for it. Because it distracted Pearl from thoughts she might otherwise have. 

"I honestly don't usually like drinking caffeine this late," Pearl said during a lull. "I mean, I have some problems sleeping..."

Lapis frowned. "You should have told me, silly!"

"No, it's okay," Pearl insisted. "I mean, it is Friday night."

Lapis snorted. "Yeah. And I'm not sure how much sleeping we'll be doing tonight, anyway."

"Why?" Pearl asked playfully. "Is there something on TV you want to watch?"

"I only have basic cable, Pearl." Beat. "I don't get the porn channels anymore." 

"What a shame. I guess we'll have to make due with each other..."

"How _boring_."

The two women shared a smile, and snickered. Lapis stood up and poured herself another cup of coffee. 

"Honestly...I don't usually do _this_ ," she admitted, stirring in a shot of creamer. "Hooking up, I mean."

"Yeah," Pearl said thoughtfully. "Me neither."

"It's like, I'm not opposed to it, I'm just...usually too busy, or too...You know..."

"No need to apologize," Pearl said.

"Yeah, I just don't want you to think..." Lapis seemed a little self-conscious expressing her thoughts.

"I mean, either thing, you know? That you're just...or that _I'm_..."

"Well, it's not like I'm out cruising bars every Friday night," Pearl said gently, trying to make her feel comfortable. 

"You don't seem like the type," Lapis laughed. 

"I used to be," Pearl admitted. "But, you know, old age..."

Lapis snorted again as she sat down at the table, then shot her an incredulous smirk.

"Yeah, you're the old, old age of thirty," she teased. "And I'll be there in a few months, myself. Welcome to the retirement home."

"Oh, poo on you," Pearl said. "I know that thirty isn't _old_ -old, but...sometimes it feels that way."

A moment of silence as Lapis chewed this over, gravity returning to the conversation.

"Yeah." 

"Especially when..." 

Pearl sighed, feeling sadness for the first time all night. 

"Just...being alone is...I don't mind it, honestly. Most of the time. I like living my life the way I do. Really."

She seemed to be trying to convince herself more than Lapis.

"But sometimes it can be hard to be alone. I mean, _alone_ alone. All the time. Every night."  

Lapis reached across the table and grabbed Pearl's hand. Pearl initially bristled at the touch, then clasped back. Took strength from her friend being there. 

"Well...you're not alone tonight," Lapis assured her. Not a tease or a come-on, just a simple statement of fact. 

Pearl looked up and saw the warm, comforting glance across the table.

The two took another moment to soak in each other's presence. To take comfort in not being alone. 

 _God, Lapis is so beautiful_ , Pearl thought. And she assumed (hoped?) Lapis was thinking the same about her. 

"Now, time for a treat," Lapis said.  

She reached into her cupboard and pulled out a little bag of Ghirardelli chocolate squares.

"My Friday night snack," she announced, pouring two into her hand. "All week trying to eat healthy, then a little tiny bit of chocolate on Friday."

She offered one to Pearl. 

"I try not to eat candy," Pearl said, waving it away.

"It's all right," Lapis assured her. "I don't usually eat too many sweets, either. But it's Friday, like you said. It's okay to reward yourself a little."

She sat down and slid the square across the table to Pearl.

Pearl's fingers reluctantly tore the wrapper, pulled out the chocolate.

"Everything in moderation," Pearl muttered.

She took a bite, feeling the resplendent sweetness of chocolate and caramel hitting her tongue, and her reservations vanished.  

"Goddammit," she muttered, "why can't _this_ stuff be low calorie?" 

"The world is a cruel place," Lapis said, absolutely deadpan. 

Pearl looked up and saw Lapis chewing, a small strand of caramel dangling from her lips. 

She impulsively stood up and kissed Lapis. She let her lips linger on Lapis's so that she could steal the caramel for herself.

"Weirdo," Lapis said, pushing her away.  

Pearl blushed, sitting back down and returning to her own chocolate. 

"The best thing is to eat them with coffee," Lapis said. "So it literally melts in your mouth." 

Pearl smiled, pushing her cup away. "Nah. I like to keep my chocolate pure, if I'm eating it."

"Well, there's already caramel, so it's not exactly _pure_."

"It's part of the chocolate!" Pearl insisted, her voice shriller and more insistent than she meant it to be. 

"Well, whatever helps you sleep at night."

"I assure you that this won't be aiding in that at all."

Pearl stood up and took her coffee over to the sink. Her head turned for a moment and she glanced Lapis's refrigerator door. Nothing too special: a calendar with some dates marked off, a picture of Lapis with ex-Mayor Dewey and his son, another with an older man and woman, one white and one Asian, whom Pearl took to be Lapis's parents, and...

Well, one picture _did_ stand out.

Because it showed Lapis, obviously younger, still in her bluenette phase, standing alongside Peridot, at a party or bar somewhere. Lapis had a simple, straightforward smile whereas Peridot had the biggest, broadest, most idiotic happy face Pearl had ever seen. Certainly, much happier than Pearl had ever seen her in person. 

She froze for a moment...just a moment, as she puzzled whether or not to ask Lapis about it, or whether not she'd tell her, unprompted. What this meant for the two of them. 

But the other woman seemed to be obliviously drinking her coffee back at the table. 

Pearl made her way back over and sat down, not saying anything. Just thinking. Just trying to enjoy the evening. 

"Well...are you ready?" Lapis asked. 

"Hmm?" Pearl wondered. 

"You know..."

"It's only...10:35," Pearl said, looking at the clock. "A bit early to turn in, even for me." 

"Then we'll both be very well-rested."

Pearl smiled again, feeling the feeling from before return. She blushed. 

"Not if everything goes according to plan," she managed.

The words came more easily than she felt them. She hadn't bantered like this with anyone since You-Know-Who, when every other word was an entendre. Must be a learned reflex.

Lapis snickered again, before turning and tossing her chocolate wrapper into the trash. 

"Well," she responded, "if we hurry I'll have another very special treat for you."

"Another one?" 

"Let's just say...I don't want that caramel to be the sweetest thing you taste tonight."

Pearl started to sputter a reply, but her brain scrambled and the words caught in her throat. 

What could she possibly say in response to _that_?  

* * *

The clock read midnight. Lapis, despite her bravado, had already fallen asleep. She lay face down, her body entangled in the sheets, snoring lightly. 

Beside her, Pearl lay on her back, wide awake. Not really surprised after the coffee and chocolate; the last thing an insomniac like her needed was caffeine coursing through her system. 

But tonight, she didn't mind.

She glided across the room, not bothering to dress, to the bathroom. Then, when she was finished, taking a moment to stand by the window, watching snowflakes start to come down. 

She loved everything about how she felt right now. She loved the warm glow she felt just now, the right combination of caffeine and afterglow. And she liked the way her own hair looked, almost sheer pink; how her skin glowed in the splashes of moonlight filtering across the room. Enjoyed the way her and Lapis's bodies, both slender and well-maintained, complemented each other. Loved the fact that there was a nice girl laying in bed a few feet away, waiting for her to return.  

Maybe it was vain, but she didn't care. She'd spent enough time hating herself over the past few years to enjoy the fact that she was still desirable. 

The best thing, though it didn't occur to her then, was that she hadn't thought about Rose the whole time.

She dramatically twirled through a shaft of moonlight, laughing at her own silliness, then made her way back to bed. 

She laid her head down on the pillow, and let out a sigh of deeply felt satisfaction. 


	7. Headache

After the amazing night Pearl had, how could the next morning begin but with a colossal headache?

She woke up early, noting a thin layer of snow on the ground outside. Just enough to be annoying, to reminder her that winter wasn't quite finished. 

Maybe that explained the throbbing, propulsive pain in her temples that morning. Or the caffeine from the night before.

Or maybe she and Lapis had just fucked too hard.

She chuckled at that thought, watching Lapis still fast asleep, snoring lightly into her pillow.

She took a long, hot shower in Lapis's bathroom, hoping it would clear her head a bit. It made her feel good, at least for a minute.

* * *

 

"You look pretty shitty," Lapis greeted her. Her hair was a mess, her robe lazily draped over her body as she beckoned Pearl towards her kitchen. 

Pearl scowled, brushing back her still-wet hair. "I'm just...I'm not feeling great."

She felt woozy and leaned against the counter, resting her head in her hand. She rubbed her forehead, trying to make the pain go away. 

"You sick?"

"Just a headache." 

"Looks like more than 'just' a headache." Lapis stepped closer, her smile disappearing. 

"It's nothing," Pearl insisted. "Just a headache. Just a big, throbbing, fucking awful Saturday morning headache." 

"Beautiful way to start a weekend," Lapis sympathized. "You get two days off..."

"Yeah."

"And it's already ruined."

"It's not made any better by talking about it." Pearl was surprised at how weak her voice sounded, but she couldn't help it. 

"You want some coffee?" Lapis moved over and grabbed a Keurig cup off the fridge. "I don't have much, but..."

"No, thanks," Pearl said. "I just...Can I have an aspirin?"

Lapis gestured to the cabinet and tied her robe around her waist. 

"Listen, I'm sorry but I've gotta split this morning," she said as she fiddled with a mug. "I've got a meeting with some Party people around ten..."

"They must be really determined to party if they're up on a Saturday morning..."

" _Democratic_ Party people, silly. The State party, I mean...They requested a meeting with me." 

"Are they really taking that much of an interest in a local council race?" Pearl asked as she popped a tab of aspirin into her mouth. 

Lapis shrugged. "Who knows? You know they're always trying to poach people for talent. There isn't much of a Democratic Party in this state, but, you know..." 

She folded her arms and watched her Keurig spit out a stream of hot brown water into a mug. 

"Last night was fun," she muttered, almost without emotion.

"It was," Pearl agreed. 

She looked over for a moment at the refrigerator, at the picture of Lapis and Peridot that she'd noticed the night before. Then back to Lapis, who had definitely noticed. Her expression changed from impassive and sleepy into something else. 

She walked over to Pearl and kissed her gently on the lips, putting her arms around Pearl's neck. Pearl managed a pinched smile as they pressed their foreheads together, rocking slowly together in the kitchen.

The intimacy of it, even after last night, took Pearl by surprise. But she didn't mind it. It felt nice.

Really, _really_ nice.  

"If you'd want to do it again sometime..." Lapis said. 

"I...I definitely would," Pearl choked out, pleasantly surprised by the offer. 

Pearl opened her mouth, wanting to say more, but couldn't get the words out. Instead, she just sighed with contentment. 

Lapis smiled, looked Pearl in the eyes for another moment, then playfully mussed Pearl's hair.

"Hey!" Pearl cried out, smacking Lapis in the arm. Lapis just laughed and grabbed her coffee cup.

"Careful or I'll scald your face," she warned, holding out the cup menacingly.

"You do know how to ruin a mood," Pearl said, playing around with her hair some more. 

"Can't be all fun all the time," Lapis replied as she took a sip.  

"Politics gets in the way." 

"Uh-huh. And coffee." 

"Too much coffee." 

"You can never drink too much coffee, Pearl. That's a myth." 

"I imagine you politicians don't sleep much..."

"Yes, but that's not the coffee's doing..." 

"Well, there **is** a big election coming up, I hear..."

"Hey, don't make fun. Next time you see me, I could be the White House Chief of Staff."

"Hopefully not in this White House..."

"Blech!"

"Are you reacting to the President or your coffee?"

"It's Keurig shit, what do **you** think?"

Pearl felt a little better. The banter helped take her mind off the pain, just a bit. And being around Lapis didn't hurt. 

Even as an early morning mess, with crud in her eyes and hair frazzled out like a Koosh ball, with watery coffee hanging off her upper lip, she was gorgeous. Certainly she was charming and smart and amazingly accomplished, at least compared to Pearl. And she wasn't exactly bad in bed, either, for all that was worth. 

But still...Pearl hadn't done _this_ before. Well, not without being in a committed relationship. And she wasn't sure if Lapis was ready to take that step. Or if she wanted to ask.

Because love...Pearl didn't do love, well. She didn't just pursue a relationship. She didn't just "see people." She didn't just love them. They were obsessions. The entirety of her life revolved around one person. 

As much as she enjoyed Lapis's company...she wasn't ready for that kind of commitment to someone. And she also didn't want to subject Lapis to that. 

So for now, she swallowed her questions and went to the bedroom, looking for her clothes. 

* * *

Pearl managed to survive her usual Saturday morning errands before coming home. Dragging yourself around town in the cold, with an armful of groceries and your heart pounding in your ear, was not a fun experience. 

She drew the curtains, took two more aspirin and took another long, hot shower, which helped a little. Mostly though she just wanted the feeling of cleanliness right now.

Feeling refreshed, at least outwardly, she sighed and collapsed in a heap in her bed.

She lay there, staring at the ceiling for the longest time, not moving. No sound but cars passing below and a television blaring in another apartment. 

Finally, she had time to puzzle things out.

A headache was a miserable experience, she thought. Even an average, run-of-the-mill headache is enough to ruin your entire day, to shut down any hopes of fun or productivity. Nor, to Pearl's chagrin, did it make sleeping any easier. Especially when it was only 11:00 am and she'd been up for three-and-a-half hours. 

But it did allow her to think. Because really, that's all she could do. 

Her mind buzzed and flickered with conflicting thoughts. Thoughts about Lapis, thoughts about Amethyst, thoughts about other friends and acquaintances she hadn't really thought about in a long time.

She'd done, it seemed, the bare minimum to change things. Nothing drastic, just a hook-up and a botched attempt at renewing a friendship. But that seemed enough to cause worry, to generate drama.

Because Pearl liked her routines, or at least had inured herself to them. And it wasn't easy to make even marginal changes.

Lord knows she fantasized about changing all the time. Getting a job that utilized her talents and educations, for a start. Finding a stable girlfriend who wasn't Rose Quartz, for another. Maybe getting a nicer apartment, or moving out of this town...

Well, she didn't mind living here as much as she once did. She'd gotten used to Beach City's odd little quirks and rhythms. They'd become a part of her.

It felt like home. Something even a few years ago she wouldn't have thought possible. 

Maybe it was easier to think that way now that she was thirty than it was even a few years ago. She'd resigned herself to life here, and that was that. 

And Amethyst's words about Lapis echoed through her head.

"A Grade A bitch," she'd called her, though Pearl hadn't really seen evidence of that. If she had been back in the day, she wasn't any more. So far as Pearl could tell. 

 _People do change_ , Pearl reflected. _Even if they don't mean to. Even if it doesn't seem like it. Heck, even I'm probably not exactly the same person as I once was..._

But it's hard to escape memories. An impression made briefly, fleetingly years ago will shape how you see a person, how you interact with them, no matter what happens subsequently. No person is the sum of a fleeting reminiscence. That's the product of a specific moment and another person's perspective.

But really, sometimes it's all you had. 

Lord knows Pearl spent enough time trapped in _her_ memories, thinking about Rose, even now, much more than was healthy. As if she would leave Greg and come back to her sometime soon.

And even beyond that...

Pearl remembered Amethyst as the wild, care-free girl who seemed up for anything, not the bitter former friend fulminating in a coffee shop.

She preferred the old Amethyst, with her fleeting interests and ever-changing hair color and amazing nose for trouble, to the one she'd seen the other night.

Maybe Pearl still hoped she could bring her back around to that...Or at least to a mutual understanding. Because Pearl, somehow, didn't feel right leaving things there. 

She'd hurt Amethyst. And Garnet, for that matter. And the rest of their friends.

Amethyst had thought she hadn't cared about them, that she was being selfish when she cut them out of her life. And the worst part, Pearl had to admit...

She was right.  

Well, if nothing else happened, if nothing went right...Pearl could think about the way things used to be. That was something. Not much, nothing she could reach out and touch...but _something_.

It seemed a lot safer than starting something new. That was dangerous. Better to stick with what you know.

Somewhere in the midst of these thoughts, Pearl fell into a deep, dreamless sleep. Somewhere headaches, regret, even memories couldn't reach.

 

 


End file.
